


lastimarse

by getbreqed



Category: Gideon the Ninth - Tamsyn Muir
Genre: Choking, F/F, Gen, Implied Nudity, Making Out, Self-Hatred, dream gideon saying bad things about harrow, harrow not being able to control her body in her dream and being distressed about it, harrow says stop but dream gideon keeps saying bad things, personally i think this gets a little intense?, set before the pool scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:22:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21942097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getbreqed/pseuds/getbreqed
Summary: Harrow is the Ninth, and she dreams of Gideon.Gideon does not love the Ninth.
Relationships: Gideon Nav & Harrowhark Nonagesimus, Gideon Nav/Harrowhark Nonagesimus
Comments: 7
Kudos: 77





	lastimarse

**Author's Note:**

> If you see anything else that should be tagged or that should be tagged more specifically please let me know! I'm anne the undying on discord but this weird little thing was pretty much just has me to blame.

“Run away with me,” Griddle says, kissing her neck, “come with me, let’s go away together to anywhere other than here.”

“I can’t,” says Harrow, gasping and grabbing at Gideon’s shoulder. “I can’t. I am the Ninth, I cannot go, I cannot be moved.”

Gideon laughs like she never laughs and she scrapes her teeth over Harrow’s collarbone. Her hand is on Harrow’s stomach, sliding around to her hip.

“Don’t I move you?” she croons, biting gently at the top of Harrow’s breast. “You dig my heart out of my chest just so you can crush it in your hands. Don’t you feel for me?”

Gideon shifts and turns so Harrow is on top of her with a leg between hers, one of Gideon’s hands on her hip and the other curling around the back of her head. Harrow leans down to be kissed and Gideon turns her head to speak softly into Harrow’s ear instead.

“You have done everything in your power to make yourself hateful to me.” she whispers. “Which is why I hate you.” 

This is when Harrow starts struggling to get away.

Gideon’s hands do not keep her there. They move gently in her hair and over the bare skin of her back, but still she cannot escape.

She is the Ninth, and she cannot be moved.

“When you see my tenderness,” Gideon’s voice says into her other ear, “you know where to strike.”

Gideon falls back onto her back and smiles at her. “When you pretend you’re vulnerable,” she says, “I show you where to strike.”

“Stop,” Harrow says.

“You have made yourself into the chain around my neck,” she says, and Harrow’s hands are around her neck, pressing on her arteries. Gideon’s hands are gentle on her hips, thumbs making slow and gentle circles in the divots there.

“I have broken and bled against you,” she says as the light in her eyes dims, “and you keep me here to break against the walls of this cage for your own amusement.”

The color starts to fade out of Gideon’s skin and a painted skull, a Ninth face, Harrow’s face, fades in.

“I could never love you,” it says in Gideon’s voice, “because you’re not a person. I could never love you because you have made yourself something that I should cast off in triumph. I could never love you because I could be something, but you trap me in a place where I am nothing and no one loves me. I hate you, Harrowhark Nonagesimus, and it’s all your fault.”

***

Harrow wakes up. Earlier than planned. Alone. As usual. She hadn’t expected anything to be different.

She sits up. Squeezes her eyes shut. Takes a breath. Wonders if this was better or worse than usual.

Griddle’s face was in it, so probably solidly worse. She doesn’t know if she means that.

She stands and walks to the bathroom to put on her face in front of the mirror. Today putting on her paint feels more like wearing armor than putting on a fake person. The practiced motions are soothing, but she’d forgotten to change out of her night clothes before. Unfortunate. She’ll have to be careful changing.

It’s before she planned to wake up, but that’s fine. There’s always more to be learned, work to be done.

She’s the Ninth. She doesn’t have to let her dreams affect her if she doesn’t want them to.

**Author's Note:**

> any feedback welcome!


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